I am in a particularly uncomfortable and exciting and nerve-wracking and fortunate and 'what-am-I-doing?' and 'what a gift!' moment in my life right now. A moment of transition.
In August of 2024, I left my cushy job (a decision I had been toying with for years) at a tech giant, a place continually revered for its employee satisfaction, benefits, work-life balance and stock price (often referred to as the "Golden Handcuffs" although I always called them the "Velvet Handcuffs". Because they don't feel like cold metal against your skin. They are soft, cozy, and sometimes you completely forget you're wearing them). I had recently ended a long term relationship with a person I had deep admiration for, and I waffled on, unsure of whether I was trusting my gut to let this person go, or if I was making an irreversibly dumb life mistake. I told my landlord I'd be breaking my lease early and leaving Brooklyn, a place I'd spent the last five years building a life of hobbies, community, and home. I created a blank canvas for myself to start anew. Where will I live? What will I do? Who will I meet? All unknown.
I bought a one way ticket to South America and I'd spend the next ~7 months traveling, hiking, indulging in the tastes and sounds of new places, meeting interesting people from all walks of life, and learning more and more about myself and how I operate in the world. (If you want details about my travels, you can read my other Substack, Inscripted).
For the past few months I have been squiggling my way around the States: visiting friends, spending time with family, and checking out potential places to live for this next chapter of life. And as I look around at my life I see a blank canvas. A million options for how to fill the space, and a balking resistance to apply the paint.
I had a therapist one time call me a perfectionist.
Therapist: You are a perfectionist.
Shane: Nope, definitely not. When I have made films or written things, I usually get to a point where I say "It's good enough. I'm done." I am okay with leaving things as they are.
Therapist: You struggle to make decisions in your life because you want a perfect outcome. So you go back and forth, trying to weigh all the factors, to figure out which one will be the "right one". And the truth is, you'll never know because you don't get to see all options through. You only get to see the one you decide to see. Your paralysis around deciding comes from perfectionism.
Shane: (Mind explodes).
He got me. The truth is you don't know what will happen when you quit the job, when you end the relationship, when you buy the plane ticket. You just look at the empty space ahead of you and decide "this is how I am going to fill that space".
When we were born, each and every one of us were given a blank canvas. We were gifted with our unique, particular set of brushes and infinite, limitless amount of colors and zero instruction other than "paint something".
"Paint what?"
"Anything you want!"
As children, most of us just marveled in the amazement that we had a canvas at all! We didn't think about the canvas, we just painted it. Colorful and bright and messy and fun. Enjoying the dipping of the bristles into the spectrum of tones and pigments at our disposal.
But as we grew older we began to question what we were creating. We looked at the canvases around us. "What are others painting? Is mine as pretty? As clean? As rational? Am I following the rules? Should I make detailed edges or broad brush strokes? Abstract or realistic? Moody or colorful? Fuck I messed up! Can I erase that bit?"
And the answer is, "it doesn't matter". Do whatever you want! Just enjoy the act of painting. Cause it is entirely yours. Uniquely, totally, and without question yours. And if you're lucky you get ~80 years to paint whatever you want. Then your painting will get taken away and you'll go do something else. Maybe a dance or music class in the next go-around? Who knows. But don't worry about that so much. Just enjoy painting now.
The truth is, anyone can be in a moment of transition the second they choose to be. You don't have to quit your job or give up your home or travel the world - though those are some colors are always available to you. You can simply inject your life with color, with texture, with movement, in a way that makes you enjoy it more fully. After all, it is yours.
Every moment of our lives is an opportunity to create. To make something new. To choose.
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Babe. I feel this so much.